There’s a familiar pattern, an archetype that many women grow up with.
The absent father, who always had something more important to do than to spend quality time with his daughter. As a result of this, many women grow up not having had a deep or meaningful relationship with their fathers. This affects us not only psychologically, but emotionally and energetically- it affects us on all levels. Since we learn how to be loved by the opposite sex through our relationship with our parents, this little girl grows up feeling that she doesn’t deserve to have a loving, present male figure in her life. She seeks to heal this sense of rejection she feels at not having had a strong divine masculine figure in her life, and she most often seeks to do this through relationships.
Anytime we have a relationship we are exploring our connection with the corresponding energetic archetype.
For example, exploring relationships with men- is to explore our relationship with the Divine masculine principle. Conversely, exploring relationships with women, is to explore our relationship with the Divine Feminine principle. Growing up, the mother represents the Divine Feminine (how we receive) and the father represents the Divine Masculine (how we give).
We keep obsessively looking for relationships to heal this deep sense of abandonment, rejection, unworthiness and inadequacy that we feel.
In astrology, Venus is the feminine planet of deserving, self-worth, self-love and desire. Mars is the masculine planet of aggression, action, achieving goals, fulfillment of those desires. Girls who grow up with this archetype, are not able to integrate these energies in a balanced way. When these two energies are balanced, we understand that we deserve (Venus) to have our desires fulfilled (mars). When they are not balanced, we don’t believe in our self-worth, and we don’t believe that we deserve what we desire.
We subconsciously seek relationships, to have our shadow- our un-integrated aspects mirrored back to us.
The fixation with relationships, is not actually a fixation with another person, or the relationship itself or even the desire for a relationship- though the belief that it is be can be incredibly strong; the root of the fixation is about healing, or recognizing our self-worth. We subconsciously seek these relationships to discover our own self-worth, and to have it reflected back to us through another person. Since we feel that we cannot acknowledge our self worth on our own, or we simply cannot see it, or don’t know how because of our early conditioning, the only way we know how to seek it is to see it through another person. Since this becomes the only outlet to recognize our self-worth, it creates conditions for an unhealthy relationship. We become increasingly addicted to the relationship because it is the only way we consciously know to validate our sense of self-worth, and this in turn makes us feel safe and secure. We associate these feelings of safety, security and worthiness with the other person, and as a result completely give our power away, not knowing how to recognize, create or feel these things on our own. As a result, we become what the other person wants, we change ourselves and our behaviour- do anything we can to keep this relationship alive, even if it means becoming an empty shell of a person.
The Universe is all about balance.
Since we live in a reality of polarity, we cannot have one thing, without also having its opposite. We will always attract the energies towards us that we need to bring us back into coherence. If we have any co-dependency (giving our power away) within us, we will find ourselves a match to narcissists (feeding off the power of others) so that we can awaken to the fact that we are so openly giving our power away and that we do not need another person to feel those things that we seek. Both co-dependency and narcissism stem from the root vibration of powerlessness. They are two opposite ends of the spectrum of this vibration within this particular manifestation (giving away power so that we can feel validated versus taking power so that we can feel validated). Once we recognize this, and take our power back, that’s when this dynamic shifts.
So how exactly do we do that?
1. Set Boundaries
It is extremely important to set boundaries. Don’t say yes when you want to say no. Anytime we do this, we violate ourselves. The dynamic that often happens with co-dependent or empathic behaviour is that we help the abusers to violate us by not only helping them take our power away, but by abusing ourselves as well. Anytime we violate our own boundaries, we are not honouring ourselves or treating ourselves with dignity and respect. We do this because we think that we need to please everybody else to survive. It’s not true. You have everything you need within you, to create anything you desire- this INCLUDES feelings of safety, security, love and worthiness.
2. Connect to your Body
It is so important to connect to your physical body and your emotional body. Emotions are signals from our body, and our inner consciousness that provide energetic feedback about ourselves, our boundaries, and how we should respond to a person, place, situation or circumstance. Notice that I used the word respond, not react. Emotions are messengers, not triggers. When we allow our emotions to flow through us, we open up to receiving the messages and guidance that are coming through from our authentic selves. This energetic feedback can let us know, when to set a boundary (anger), when a boundary has been crossed (anger, rage, betrayal), when to go in another direction or try something new (restlessness or boredom), when to breathe and pay attention (anxiety), when we are grieving a loss (sadness, sorrow) or when we are in flow (joy, bliss, happiness). Most often what happens, is that when we feel difficult emotions, we contract in fear, as a result our bodies constrict, and the emotions, along with their messages- do not pass through. Instead, the emotions take a seat, buried deep within our consciousness and our physical and emotional bodies- waiting for pressure to build so that they can erupt and purge later.
3. Actively build and nurture that connection with yourself
If this article speaks to you, chances are you do not truly know yourself. You have spent so much time placing the focus outside of yourself, blocking emotional signals, crossing your own boundaries, trusting others projections, manipulations, even gas-lighting abuse or perceptions of you over your true self, that you do not know the authentic self that lives within. You discover and get to know the true you, by consciously building that connection. Tuning into your body, allowing yourself to feel your emotions and asking your self how you feel about certain things. If you need to make a decision, ask yourself how you feel, tune into your body and see what feedback comes through. Do you feel tight, constricted? That could be an energetic no, or signal to wait for more information. Do you feel open, flowing, expansive? That could be an energetic yes to move forward. Learn to speak your body’s language, and continue building that connection with yourself. Eventually, it will become second nature. You will have gone from being someone who felt like an empty shell of a person, with no sense of boundaries or personal identity, to someone who is so strong in knowing who they are, that they are unshakeable in their purpose.
*Article originally written by Rusha, and published for globalloveproject under “Co-dependency in Relationships”