Creativity & Emptiness
When I was younger, I really wanted to express myself. I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance, I wanted to be seen. 7 years ago I wanted to start a blog. I was so excited. I told my friends about it. I would call it, “A dip in consciousness“. I had always been fascinated by spirituality and wanted to document all of the thoughts racing through my mind. I never started that blog. I let that idea float, gently sinking into the bottom of my mind- taking its last breath in the processional of all the ideas I never brought to life. Logically, that entire sentence does not make sense. Even from a poetic sense. But that’s exactly how it feels, when you begin to bring a dream to life, only to let it drift and float away.
Why didn’t I start that blog? Well, 7 years ago, I was a far cry from the confident, little girl I had been. Puberty had hit me like a brick wall. Not only had it changed my body, but it shattered my confidence. Was it puberty? Or was it the slow moving away from that energetic, exuberant child I had once been? Slowly, I started to sweep my childlike dreams away under a heavy, old rug. I replaced those dreams with the dreams of those around me. I drowned my voice, and donned a mask. I was water. Gently flowing and adapting to anything around me. Like clay, ready to be moulded. All this bright potential. With everyone around me deciding how it should be expressed. I lost my voice. Drowning in a sea of others. I lost myself.
I think deep inside of us, we all have something wanting to be expressed. I held that expression in for so long. The correctional officer, living inside my mind, always telling me it was better to be silent than to risk disapproval. I kept my thoughts to myself, trying to create an image of perfection. That image, only being possible when I did not say, do or embody anything that would create direct conflict in my environment. Everything was always done to achieve a certain reaction around me. I didn’t even realize I had built and created my own self imposed prison.
I think when we feel empty inside, it’s because we are not touch with our truth. We don’t allow ourselves to sing, dance, play or express ourselves without constant internal censorship. Maybe we are choosing to pursue someone else’s dream. Or avoiding taking risks, because of fear.
The journey back to yourself is not an easy one. It’s filled with so many twists and turns. Sometimes it feels like you take 100 steps forward, only to tumble and fall down a giant canyon, 5 years backwards. You never really know what to expect. But in truth, growth is not linear. It is all cyclical. The journey back to yourself often involves a maze of exhausting all other pathways. The road to success- that we believe to be our heart’s desire, but which reveals itself to be a quest for validation of our self worth.
So I ask you this- if no one was watching- what song would you sing? What words would you write? What story would you tell? If no one was watching- what would you do for fun?
This is how you get back to your creative well. The artist who picks up the brush and simply paints the canvas, without thinking about what it will get them in return.
Creativity has become a distorted imbalance. A display of how each one of us can wield and manipulate our expression to receive the most social validation- that’s if you let it become that way. When we create or move from a place of wanting to fill that emptiness with external applause, praise or validation- it isn’t long before we feel empty inside. Like a dragon, ravenous with hunger, we devour our prey. Then, we are simply left with that feeling of emptiness again. Creativity in its purest form, is simply about expression. Energy which moves and is transformed. Energy which flows.
With that kept in mind- next time your create something, ask yourself- am I doing this for me? When you create from your own inner well, the act of creation itself fulfills you. The act of creation itself, is deeply moving. It is alchemy in motion. Devotion in its highest form. You will know it by the way that it feels. When the simple act of creation itself, lifts your spirits, rather than the waiting period of external reactions around you. Learning to tap into this creative power, is one of the most fulfilling things we can do.