1. Everything is my fault
This is when we self blame, take more responsibility than is healthy including taking responsibility for the thoughts, actions, feelings, emotions and inner states of others. We do this because of our wounded inner child that says “Everything is my fault”. This wound will attract the polar opposite wound which says, “Nothing is my fault”. Often times, this is the narcissist who cannot accept responsibility for their actions because to accept responsibility would be to disrupt their inflated and false self image of their goodness and greatness.
2. Very sensitive, intuitive, empathic = natural lack of boundaries
This is the tendency to internalize the energy of others due to a natural lack of boundaries. This is where in our pure innocence, we internalize the energy of others without questioning it for ourselves to discern whether the things they say to us or about us are true or not. In this way we do not truly know ourselves because we do not know where others end and where we begin.
3. Addiction to negative emotions
This is the addiction to drama, negative emotions, self-sabotage, self-destruction. It is the emotional manifestation of cutting. People who cut themselves cut because it makes them feel better than what they were feeling before. It makes them feel a sense of control over their pain which feels better than complete powerlessness to one’s pain. Powerlessness is the ultimate despair.
Emotions and drama can be highly addictive, but in order to feel those really high highs, they need to be juxtaposed with really low lows. The appeal of emotional addiction is in the distraction it brings. If we are constantly caught up in our own life drama it gives us the opportunity to escape ourselves, and to satisfy that longing and desire to experience fulfilment, to experience excitement, to feel like a movie star in our own lives. In other words, it’s a roundabout way to feel like the star of our own lives. But instead of going directly for that by sitting in our power, when addicted to negative emotions we go for it by centering our lives around different sources of drama; in this case, that source of drama being narcissists, who are by nature, kings and queens of drama as they are also seeking that distraction to feed their addiction as well.
4. Victim Consciousness
As long as we are choosing to play the victim in our lives- whether consciously or subconsciously, we will be susceptible to perpetrators- those who project the vulnerable aspects of themselves onto others to terrorize and traumatize their own inner child. Whether this is a bully, a narcissist or simply anyone seeking to escape themselves through overpowering another, as long as we feel powerless to ourselves and powerless to our lives, we are subconsciously operating from victim mode.
5. Poor Self-Image
Placing others on pedestals, while not seeing the best in yourself. This is where you walk into a room, and automatically assume that others have everything together, know what they are doing, and are doing well in life while assuming that you are a complete mess. In order to put someone else on a pedestal, you have to put yourself down. In order to see someone else as being above you, you have to see yourself as less than. This poor self-image is the result of a wounded ego, the aspect of the wounded ego that does not allow you to see the positive qualities in yourself, and to only see them in others. To learn more about this check out my blog post on the wounded ego.
I would like to clarify the attraction point: it is not that we specifically attract these types of people into our lives, but our lack of healthy boundaries and discernment prevents us from recognizing these types of individuals and filtering them out of our lives.
To learn more, watch the video below
Full transcript of the video "Why are we drawn to narcissists?"
Why are we drawn to narcissists? I’m also going to be covering the question of why we attract narcissists because attraction is a two-way street- two opposite polarities are always going to be attracted to each other. It’s very common for a lot of empaths and highly sensitive people to be a match to these types of situations and relationships.
One of the reasons why is because people who are very emotionally sensitive have the tendency to get easily confused. this is something that I have really struggled with along my path and something that I really had to learn to grow out of. It’s the idea that just because you can sense what others are feeling that you might have something to do with it. This is where the inner child of the empath tends to have this self blaming type of attitude, and this sense of a huge burden of responsibility. So they take on much more responsibility than they should and take on much more responsibility than is healthy for one person to do.
So where as the narcissist will take zero responsibility and say, “nothing is my fault, everything is every one else’s fault”, this empathic person will say, “everything is my fault”. And it doesn’t matter what it is, it could have absolutely nothing to do with them but through their inner child, and that faulty inner child reasoning they are going to think, “this is my fault”.
The most common example of this is when parents get divorced. The child is going to think, “this is my fault”, but it is not the child’s fault, it has nothing to do with the child, it is the parents relationship with each other and that shouldn’t impact or have anything to do with how they treat the child. The child might think, “mommy and daddy are getting divorced because of me, because I’m bad, because I’m a bad kid”.
Being very psychic, intuitive and emotionally sensitive makes you very open to the energies of other people. It makes you much more likely to internalize the energies of other people. So, if someone is coming at you with blind conviction of whatever delusion they might have, or just their perception of you. For example if somebody looks at you and thinks that you have no integrity, and they keep telling you that you have no integrity, and challenging you that way or treating you that way and you are still developing and really open to the energy around you, you might just internalize that without questioning it because you have no boundaries; you really have no boundaries to the point where you can’t tell where others end and you begin. This is something that I really had to work through, and the more psychically sensitive you are the more you have to work at it because you are just walking around like a giant sponge all the time so you really have to learn to tame that.
So for those of you that don’t resonate with that aspect, another underlying core reason why we attract narcissists is an addiction to emotions. This is a big thing because you can be addicted to negative emotions, self-sabotage and self destruction. It’s one of those things that can be really tricky, but the way that I explain it is this: it is the emotional manifestation of cutting. People who cut themselves do it because it makes them feel better, it gives them a sense of control, and it feels better than the pain that they were feeling before. they’re hurting themselves because they feel that they deserve it. So people who are addicted to heavy negative emotions that are self destructive, self sabotaging, they are doing a form of emotional cutting so to speak in that they are creating these situations or drawing in these situations where they feel these really high highs and really low lows; and because the lows are so low they emphasize the highs and they reinforce these negative core beliefs and feelings that you have about yourself, about your worthlessness about how you don’t deserve love, about how you are inherently a bad person. The person you are drawing in is a person who is reflecting all of this back to you. What tends to happen is that when we don’t get the message right away, it comes back louder and louder and louder until there is such a build-up of momentum and energy that it forces us to make a change. So for example if you are somebody who needs to set boundaries and you keep getting the message that you need to set boundaries, but you are not really listening- and I don’t want to say that you are not listening, you probably think that you are listening but at the same time you don’t really know what it is to fully set boundaries in a healthy way, then you are just going to keep experiencing people overstepping your boundaries until it culminates and possibly turns into a whole group of people disrespecting your boundaries. So for example, drawing in a cyber-bully, drawing in trolls, drawing in a whole group of people trying to bully you- that kind of thing, that is a huge message of you needing to learn self respect and boundaries.
So one of the emotions that can be most addictive- and I am speaking from personal experience, I used to be addicted to these emotions and I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I really came from having healed and worked a lot on these really heavy patterns of self abuse which are very self destructive, very self sabotaging and just drawing in types of people who would reinforce this abuse and that’s because this is what I thought love was. If you grew up watching any kind of soap opera, they are built on those themes. Most soap operas- especially Pakistani and Indian ones, are built around one psychopathic character, I would say its in every drama. I don’t watch that many soap operas but there is one Turkish one I really liked – Magnificent Century, and they really have similar themes of inciting heavy emotions. The reasons these drama, soap-operas and TV shows are so popular is because people are really addicted to these emotions and they vicariously experience those emotions through watching them on screen. So one of the emotions we can be really addicted to is that self-destructive, self-sabotaging emotion where you will unconsciously sabotage good things in your life because you don’t believe or trust that you can really have it, so you will sabotage, sabotage and sabotage until it blows up in your face. What that tends to do is, in terms of relationships or friendships- you will let in all the wrong people and all the good people that are around you, you just won’t feel an attraction to them- you won’t feel drawn to them, you’ll feel that there is something off about them or something missing. Whatever is it, you’re not going to feel that draw because there is a part of you that is seeking that high. The reason that high, that drama can be so addictive is because you get to feel like you are in your own super movie, you get to feel like there is always something exciting happening in your life, whether it is positive or not. Let me tell you, peace- when you are coming out of that super dramatic life, peace can be really, really boring. This is something that we don’t really talk about especially when it comes to romance and dating, it’s all focused on this energy of fulfilment; fulfilment which is based on this energy of longing or desire, which is having that tiny carrot for a second and then boom, it gets taken away. It’s all based on the whole question, “is it going to happen? is it not going to happen?”. So a lot of us get addicted to that because it makes our lives feel more exciting, but when you actually find a genuine partner who is a really great match for you and you experience that love that everybody talks about, that peace is not filled with drama. Drama and peace are two very separate energies. So peace, when you are used to all that drama might feel really boring at first, but once you get used to it and you learn to get used to a different way of being you learn not to accept abuse as love anymore or to confuse abuse as love anymore, and you learn how to have healthy relating habits and a healthy relationship with yourself, that’s when you move into a whole new level of experience and your heart chakra is going to open so wide- it’s really one of the best feelings and experiences that you can have. So when it comes to this emotional addiction you really have to get to the core of it, understanding within yourself, “What is it within me that wants to experience this negative emotion? What is it within me that keeps drawing this in? Why am I so addicted to making this choice?”. If you’re feeling really, really low and really, really bad about yourself, then that feeling of emotional cutting – and the reason I call it emotional cutting is because on an energetic level, that is literally what it feels like. So let’s say you are creating a self sabotaging or self destructive situation for yourself, let’s say you are dating someone and you are having a fight with them, if you ever notice when you self destruct- you start at a neutral emotion which will be boredom- and that’ where drama begins to kick in because drama is a means to avoid or escape ourselves when we are feeling bored and we don’t want to face ourselves. So that’s where drama starts to creep in, and that boredom turns into negativity, that negativity turns into anger, anger turns into rage, that turns into sadness, then it turns into grief, it keeps spiralling down until eventually you hit despair, which is the lowest on the vibrational scale that you can be. It’s not necessarily that it’s a terrible thing but when you’re in the vibration of despair and powerless, that’s when you attract a narcissist who believe it or not is actually holding a slightly higher vibration in the sense that they are holding the vibration of rage and anger. So if you think about the vibration of rage and anger, it is higher on the vibrational scale than despair and powerlessness. Despair and powerlessness are the lowest that you can be on this scale. This is the epitome of victim consciousness. So as long as you are playing the victim in your life or holding onto the role of the victim in your life you will be a match to a perpetrator- a perpetrator who is operating out of anger, out of rage, out of that fear based mentality. Why? Because they are looking for someone to overpower, they are looking for someone who has poor boundaries, they are looking for someone who wants to harm themselves, because that’s what they enjoy doing, that’s what they are looking for to. They are also addicted to drama, they are also addicted to negative emotions, they are also highly self destructive, highly self sabotaging. The main difference is that people who draw in narcissists have a very poor self image, they think very lowly of themselves to the point where you might not even realize you are doing this. It’s not like you walk around every and say, “I’m going to be a victim today!”, that’s really not how it works. It could be as simple as, let’s say you walk into a room and you are at a dinner party. You see all these other people around you and you are just imagining and thinking about how they must be so great, and their lives must be so great and they must have it all together, and then you look at yourself and feel like you are a total mess who has no idea what you are doing. It’s one of those things where you automatically have a poor image of yourself and you automatically assume everyone else to be amazing, you put other people on pedestals while knocking yourself down.
What narcissists do is that they put themselves on pedestals and they want other people that are going to worship them and put them on pedestals too to reinforce their inflated self image.
So in a way you end up being the perfect match because you provide each other with exactly what you need, what you are both consciously or subconsciously seeking. You provide each other with the drama, with the excitement, with the self sabotage, with the self-destruction, with the really high highs and the really low lows; you’re going to worship the narcissist, put them on a pedestal and they are going to keep you knocked off of your pedestal, and that’s really what you are looking for. It’s the subconscious reinforcement of the negative beliefs that you have about yourself and about the fact that you are not good or you are inherently a bad person. It’s one of those things where you have to understand that when you have a lot of heart energy there’s a lot of innocence with that, so when it comes to that innocence, that energy, you are more likely to internalize things about yourself that aren’t even true, without questioning them because in your pure innocence you are just internalizing everything that is coming towards you whether it is merited or not. So with that childlike innocence you don’t have the idea in your mind to think, “Is this person lying? Is this person being dishonest with me? Does this person have a negative agenda towards me?”. That’s because your solar plexus chakra, the area right above your belly is completely out of whack. This is the part of you that tells you your gut instinct, that tells you about who is right for you, who is not right for you, who to let in, who not to let in, and it’s going to let you know which ways to go. That is the part of you that can sense when you are in an environment that is really dangerous for you, whether physically or emotionally or even spiritually, its going to let you know.
So the second chakra that ties into this is the third eye chakra. Narcissists can only manipulate people who are very confused. they can only manipulate people who are deeply confused about themselves because they play on that confusion to twist you into believing whatever they want you to believe about yourself so that you can serve them with your energy. Keep in mind that this is a two way street. So they are providing you something that you are subconsciously wanting and you are giving them something that they are subconsciously wanting, and this comes down to the emotional self sabotage and self destruction. So it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are consciously asking to feel in pain, but there is a part of you that is so addicted to the drama and the negative emotions that you might not even realize what you are finding yourself drawn to. So now that we are exploring the third eye chakra point, if you are very confused then this chakra is closed. An open third eye chakra is able to see truth, it’s able to discern, it’s able to see with clarity and it’s able to perceive reality clearly free of illusion, free of hallucination, free of past trauma. The energy of confusion, the energy of unhealed trauma- they really distort this energy center to the point where you can’t see clearly. I recently posted on my Instagram @rushaspeaks about how if you have an unhealed wound, unhealed trauma from the past, you are going to be projecting it onto your future and its’ going to affect the lens through which you see your present moment, even to the point of people’s faces around you morphing into the face of the person who abused you or attacked you in the past. This can go really intensely, this is why it’s really important to hold yourself accountable, take responsibility, really be willing to look at yourself so that you can recognize these things and clear them away and live in an empowered way and move towards where you want to go which is what I am hoping for you! So let’s do it! So when it comes to the third eye you really have to learn to discover yourself, to trust yourself. Most people who are in this state- which is a lot of people, most people who are in this state don’t come up with information for themselves. They look for other people to spoon feed them what they should believe, how they should feel about things. One of the biggest examples you can see of this is gossip. So a lot of people take gossip and they just assume things to be true. So for example if they trust someone and that person tells them something about another person, they’re just going to assume it to be true without questioning anything. Even to the point of something being so blatantly, obviously wrong and a lie in front of them but they are so spoon fed and so disempowered, they’re third eye is full on shut, to the point where they cannot even see what’s happening in front of them.
The biggest example I can give for this is trolls in mythology. It’s really interesting how we call haters trolls because there is a mythical connection there. When it comes to trolls, one of the legends explored in the TV show Merlin is that they have the ability to do enchantment magic, which is to hide their true form. If you are under this enchantment, even if they show their true form, you won’t be able to see them for what they really are. So there is one episode where the king falls in love with a troll. She disguises herself as a beautiful woman and puts an enchantment on him so he falls in love. When her enchantment stops working and everybody else sees her as a troll, the king is still sitting there looking at her with eyes of love. Well this is literally how it is when it comes to a narcissist. For those of you who have been able to see through the narcissist and see the mask come off, you are literally like the king who has broken the enchantment and able to see the troll for what they truly were and what they were truly representing. So when it comes to narcissists and their smear campaigns, this is when they will do anything in their power to try and slander you, they will make up any lie, tell any lie, with so much conviction just to convince people of how bad you are because they want to make you look bad and strip any of your credibility away so that no one else will discover their true nature, so that they can keep their jig going. You know how they say, “The jig is up”? So it’s kind of like that. They can only manipulate people whose third eyes are closed, they can only manipulate people who don’t know how to think for themselves, they can only manipulate people who are deeply confused. so you have to remember in times like that, that is another sign for you to just be deeply rooted in your truth and in who you are. Once you get past that sense of emotional confusion, and I know it can be hard because it’s a process, it’s like peeling an onion; but the more you get past that the less people will be able to abuse you, because you will trust yourself and you will know in your heart and soul what is true for you. This is a muscle that you really need to develop, it’s a muscle of integrity, of really knowing yourself, of really having strong boundaries, of really respecting yourself. The thing about narcissists, and when I talk about this I am referring to this on a scale. Often times when you are dealing with this type of personality, you may also be dealing with a sociopath or a psychopath. So it starts with a narcissist, which is kind of like the lowest on the scale, and then you have sociopath and then you have psychopath. So a sociopath is someone who maybe has some chance of feeling guilt or remorse, but maybe they continue anyway- it is an antisocial personality disorder, and then psychopaths just full on don’t care. So it’s different levels of personality disorders. The reason I want to bring this up is because not everyone is automatically a narcissist, just because you have a bad experience with them. It’s a very specific personality disorder and it does happen on different scales. So someone can be slightly narcissistic, there are some who display this energy of pure evil and others that don’t, it is nuanced and it is a touchy subject, but one of the things I am exploring right now is the idea that no one is purely bad or purely good, we are all just different mixtures and expressions of energy. So the thing about sociopaths and psychopaths is that they exhibit extreme forms of what you could describe as demonic energy. I don’t really know if that’s the best term, but basically there are a few traits that really describe them, and it is pathological lying, and not having any empathy, and when it comes to sociopaths and psychopaths they are higher up on the criminal scale when it come to the law, so they break laws ,they do not care about stuff like that and again, that happens on a scale too. So I am saying all of this from my own personal experience, I am not a licensed psychiatrist so this is just from my own opinion. Of course I always invite you to do your own research and look into these things on your own. It’s really good to be informed about them, there are so many free resources online when it comes to mental health that you can look into if you are wanting to do more research about psychological disorders.
To summarize, the main points of this video are: Being in victim consciousness, having a really poor self image, being addicted to emotions- experiencing really high highs and low lows, and looking to others to tell you how to feel about yourself.
But if you want to learn more about the chakras and how they impact you and how they impact your life, I am currently working on a series of guidebooks that explore the different chakras and how they impact different areas of your life. I am almost done the root chakra guide. In this guide I explore how things like your daily routine, self defeatism, self sabotage, self destruction, feelings of safety, scarcity consciousness versus abundance consciousness, self neglect- these are all core issues that I explore in how they impact your root chakra and how to balance them. So I call it root chakra really just to encompass all of these issues, but this guide is focused on being able to create structure in your life to get to where you want to go, being able to ground, being able to take really good care of yourself and to build a really strong, solid foundation for yourself so that you can explore the other areas of life in a healthy and empowered way. So there is a lot to be learned there. I really hope you found this video helpful and if you are interested in my work, make sure to sign up for my newsletter for updates!